Long time...lots of news

Yikes... I totally fell off of my own blogging bandwagon!

It's a new year, and I am back...with lots to tell.


First things first - My holiday proposal.  I can happily report that it did in fact happen.  What I wasn't expecting is that it didn't go down at all like I had expected (of course, does it ever?) and even though I have a fiance (eeeek!!) I am still waiting.

Background - Going into the holidays, I knew G. had asked my parents for my hand in marriage and that his grandmothers ring was being sized for me.  I was told I could most likely expect a holiday proposal.
G. had told me several times that he feels that every woman should have a great story to tell about their engagement, and that he really wanted to give me the surprise of my life.

After arriving at his parents place and being around for a couple of days I got the sneaking suspicion that the proposal wasn't coming...and as if that wasn't making me sad enough, within the span of about 3 days, 5 of my friends got engaged.

I'm sad to confess, it pushed me over the edge a bit, and as much as I wanted to control myself, I couldn't hide my sadness very well.  I didn't say anything until we were falling asleep the night of the 23rd.,.I thought he was asleep, and as I was thinking about things, emotions overwhelmed me and I started to cry.  Well, he wasn't asleep after all, and of course immediately wanted to know what was wrong.  I tried to tell him it was just PMS but he wouldn't buy it, and simply said "I know we'll get married some day, and I am trying to be patient, but 5 of my friends just got engaged and it's got me a bit upset.  I'm being immature and jealous."
He was very understanding and said - I'll ask you to marry me right now if you want.  I love you and want you to be happy.  The ring is in the other room. (!)

I immediately pulled myself together, assured him everything was fine, and i could wait.  This of course got me thinking he did have something planned after all. So I waited some more.

Christmas eve and most of Christmas day passed and nothing happened.  I didn't really mind so much because I knew it would come eventually.  He was acting a little odd but I didn't think much of it,  We had a relaxing day, and around midnight started to get ready for bed.  When I came back from the bathroom, he told me to turn around and face away from him...

When I turned back to face him, there he was, down on one knee.  He simply said "I love you,  Will you marry me?"  There it was...his grandmothers ring.

I was stunned.  I said yes. We kissed and hugged.

I'm not going to lie - he had built things up to the point that I was expecting something major...I couldn't help but be a bit disappointed.  I was at least hoping that he would have something romantic to say.  Deep down, I knew though that having him as my husband was all the really mattered.

The ring:  The ring was another story all together.  When G. first told me he was using his grandma's ring, the first picture that came into my head was a yellow gold "grandma" ring.   Unfortunately, the ring was exactly what I had feared - a lovely round center stone smack dab in the middle of a chunky yellow gold ring with tons of baguettes that could only nicely be described as "an old lady ring."  More accurately it would be described as gaudy...and kinda awful.  I hate to admit this, but the first thing that came into my mind was, "OMG, I have to wear this ugly thing..."

I'm not proud of the fact that I couldn't fake it and act like this was my dream proposal and dream ring.  But I couldn't.  He had built things up so much I was woefully let down.  He could tell right away... and I felt even more horrible.

We talked about it, which was good.  He said he really wanted to plan something awesome but he saw how sad I was and wanted to make me happy.  He said that because I am Jewish, and Christmas hasn't ever really been that special to me that he wanted to propose on Christmas so that every Christmas in the future would be special to me.  He also said "My mom said I should get the stone reset...We can do that and make you a ring you like."

I realized in talking to him that I could get over it all...get the ring reset and more importantly I saw clearly that I loved him so much that that was all that mattered.  As we talked about it more, he became more and more upset...he was disappointed in himself...

So we came to this conclusion (that was his idea, not mine).  We're going to be unofficially engaged for the time being...we told our parents and our siblings, but we're not going to tell anyone else.  He's going to have time to (pressure free) plan a proposal that he is proud of, and get the stone reset in a setting that it more my taste.  He said "I really want to make your friends jealous of your proposal story and your ring." 

I guess, in a lot of ways it's the best of both worlds.  I feel so fortunate to have the man of my dreams...he cared so much about me that he wanted end my waiting sadness and give me happy Christmas memories.  Now he'll plan the surprise he wanted to plan, and I'll have a ring that I'll love.  I truly feel pretty bad that I couldn't control my sadness, but when I think about it objectively, I think that we really worked through this together and that it reflects a greater truth about how well we work as a couple.  It also has taught me a *VERY* important lesson about not caring so much about other peoples lives and timelines - we're going to do what is right for us, when it is right for us and that's what's really important.

I know that some people may not think very highly of me for expressing to him that I didn't like the ring (in my defense, he said something first...and even he said it was an old lady ring), but it's not like I rejected his proposal.

In addition to talking about re-setting the ring, G. also gave me the green light to go ahead with planning.  Hooray!!!

So here I am, unofficially engaged...and still waiting to a certain degree.  I picked out my setting of choice shortly after arriving home and gave G. all the details.  I haven't said one peep about it since then, so I am hoping when I go to visit him again over Valentine's day that I may be surprised with a nice sparkly ring!

Here's the setting I chose - I simple solitaire style from Precision Set with channel accents.  I can't wait to see what it looks like with G.'s family stone in it. (And on my finger to boot!)

More to follow about the beginning of my official planning!  Hooray!

Very thankful indeed...

I haven't been good about coming here to blog!  I think there have just been so many thoughts racing through my mind that I couldn't figure out how to begin to get them out in coherent sentences.

Thanksgiving was wonderful.  G. came here to spend the holiday with my family.  Lots of people came from out of town.  We made tons of delicious food, enjoyed a couple of hockey games and even got out to do some holiday shopping.

My big Thanksgiving wish came true!  G. *finally* talked to my Dad.  I knew this was something that would be a prelude to us getting engaged, and it was the big sign I was waiting for to reassure me that things were underway.

Permission has been granted, and much to my complete and utter shock all signs point to things happening before the end of the year!  I was totally resigned to waiting through the holidays, and now my heart is all aflutter with crazy anticipation.

I'm leaving bright and early Tuesday morning to venture back to the great white north.  From there G. and I will travel to his familys house in Texas.  Then I'll return home before the end of the year.  This could mean that sometime in that three week period my wait will come to an end!

It's left me feeling both incredibly excited and a little scared.  This will be the beginning of so many huge changes.  There's so much gravity to it all that it sort of overwhelms me when I think about it too much.  I've lived in the same city and surrounding suburbs since I was 4 years old, and in about a year I will be moving thousands of miles away to a city I have dreamt about living in.

It's a lot to process - absolutely amazing and almost too good to be true.

I really want to make sure I enjoy every minute of what's to come.  I'll be opening a whole new chapter of my life and saying goodbye to the place that's been my home for 26 years.

In a lot of ways, even though I am an "adult" I still frequently feel like a kid.  Part of it is still being in school, part of it is my personality I think.  Either way, moving forward with this huge step in life makes me feel very adult all of a sudden, and also really old.  Not in a bad way at all - I am very thankful and excited about what is to come.

So...I feel slightly more justified in my wedding daydreams.  The crazy part is that it may not be too long before I can be planning for real!

All a-buzz for my fellow bees!

Having been a waiting lady, pre-occupied with pre-planning, I've logged a lot of hours over the past 6 months or so, perusing the immense, extensive, and highly detailed amount of wedding planning information on the internet.

I'd known about The Knot for quite some time, pretty much ever since my first childhood friend got married around 6 years ago.  I'd visit there occasionally over the years, just for fun, or when I needed to consult the gift registries of various friends, but I never really spent a lot of time there.  The information and pictures seemed to remain pretty much the same over time.  I needed more to sate my wedding appetite!

As a total newbie, I figured there must be some good wedding blogs out there.  Simple google searches led me to Green Wedding Shoes and Style Me Pretty among many others.  Just by chance, I clicked on a link to Weddingbee and there I found not only an imformative and fun blog full of posts from all sorts of women, but also an incredibly active message board community.  Jackpot!

I'm a self-proclaimed internet junkie, and I love getting involved in online forums.  This awesome "hive" of Bees seemed like a great place to get involved.  As I lurked for a while at first, I saw evidence of the community of posters, sharing ideas and thoughts, helping each other through hard decisions and celebrating with each other.  I figured I would wait to register an account until I was "officially" planning a wedding...no one would take me seriously as a gal without a ring.  What could I possibly add to the community without being engaged and planning?

It was there that I was very wrong.  Weddingbee has a place just for girls like me - it's their Waiting board.  A location specifically designed for women who aren't engaged yet, but have caught the wedding bug, or are maybe just looking for a little support.  There's a great deal of anxiety, self-doubt, and frustration that comes with this territory, and the Waiting board is a great antidote to the insanity.  I'd grown embarrassed about bitching and whining to my close friends and family.  They wanted me to shut up about it, I wanted to shut up about it, but the word vomit just wouldn't stop.  The Waiting board has given me, and many other women a place to come, and under the veil of internet anonymity spill their guts and vent. 

Every weekend, I look forward to seeing if any of my fellow Waitng Bees get engaged.  I smile at their romantic proposal stories, and even tear up from time to time.  I feel genuinely happy when these strangers that I have never and probably will never meet finally get to say they are engaged to the man of their dreams.

Most of all, it's just nice to know that I'm not crazy - that other women feel this way too.  It's not something society really "accepts" per se, so I am very thankful to know that I have a place to go that helps to ease my waiting blues.

waiting for the moon to come and light me up inside...

As a 29 year old female, I have found myself firmly lodged in the time of my life where lots is happening - both for me and those around me.  It seems like everywhere I look there are engagements being announced, new wedding pictures, or a scan of a sonogram.  Granted, my semi-obsessive Facebook habit facilitates this.  When in history have we ever been able to be so in tune with the lives of people we barely know?

Right now, I find myself obsessed with weddings, and well, with love in general.  I'm helping my younger sister plan her wedding.  I'm starting to casually pre-plan my own as well.  Thinking and daydreaming about colors and flowers and dress styles as well as song playlists and menu choices.  I read wedding blogs, post on wedding related message boards and watch wedding programs on TV.

There's only one problem.

I'm not engaged.

That's right - I am a Lady in Waiting.  I have been with my boyfriend, G, for almost two and a half years.  We've lived together, shared our lives, and talked about our future together.  We intend to get married, but he hasn't popped the question yet.  I know it's coming, he has assured me of this, and all that's left for me to do is to attempt to be patient, carry on with my life, and keep otherwise occupied.

Easier said than done.

Many women can tell you about this feeling - knowing you have found the one you want to spend your life with, and yet having to "wait" to start truly planning the beginning of that life.  Due to dictates of society, the ball is often in the mans court when it comes to the proposal of marriage.  It makes sense to a certain degree - so often, women take the helm in planning the wedding and making all those decisions.  The proposal is the one wedding related area where a man can have complete creative control of the situation.

G, as progressive as he is in many areas, is very traditional when it comes to all this proposal stuff.  In one of my less-than-patient moments, when I tried to get some information out of him over the summer, he revealed to me that he really wants his proposal to be a surprise.  In his words "I believe that every woman should have a great story to tell about the day they got engaged."  Well, that statement certainly helped me quiet down.  I am a feminist, and I like to consider myself to be pretty empowered as a woman, but I'm not going to lie - the thought of my guy planning something memorable makes me smile and makes the waiting a little easier.

So here I am.  I've been "officially" waiting since about this time last year.  G and I have discussed everything, and all systems are go...but yet, I am still waiting.

Let me be completely honest for a minute here - it's driving me nuts.

Everyone around me is telling me to calm down, be patient, and stop obsessing.  It's pretty much impossible.  And frankly, I don't think I should have to stop obsessing about it.  I've found the love of my life, and I can't wait to declare that to the world and officially begin our lives together.

I haven't booked a venue or bought a dress or picked a date or anything like that.  What I have done is started some constructive daydreaming about what I would like our wedding to be.  Some pre-planning, if you will.  I've found a pretty supportive message board of other women in the same position as me, and through communicating with them and pre-planning, I find that my wait has been made much easier.

I hope that this blog will be a place for me to share what I have found in my pre-planning, to post inspiration pictures and probably a vent or two and hopefully, to sooner as opposed to later turn into a real wedding planning blog.  I'm super excited about this time in my life, and I think it would be pretty cool to be able to look back and see how everything played out.

So there you have it...I'm a waiting gal, but I'm otherwise engaged with pre-planning, daydreaming, and working to make every day count.