As obsessed as I am with my own potential nuptials, there has been another wedding that hasn't been far from my mind over the past 9 months. I am currently serving as MOH for my little sister, J.
Her wedding will be in the fall of 2011, and her planning is just really getting underway. Since I've been to numerous weddings and she and her fiance have only been to a couple, I am giving them lots of input (when they ask for it of course!) about what I have seen at other weddings, what worked, and what didn't.
I love my sister dearly. I think her fiance is wonderful and that they will have a very happy life together. I can't wait to be a part of their wedding and look back on it for years to come.
However, I have a dark secret to admit. I wasn't always so excited about this. I'm not very proud of the story I'm about to tell, but I think it is something that many waiting girls have to deal with, and since I've mustered some more insight and maturity over the past months, I feel comfortable sharing this.
Right around this time last year, I found out that my sister would probably be getting engaged soon. We didn't know exactly when, but my mom alerted me to the fact it was coming sooner as opposed to later.
I lost it. Like tears, and gut wrenching sadness lost it. I sat there thinking to myself "I am the older sister. I am supposed to go first. It's supposed to be my thing to do first." I was so firmly implanted in my own misery I couldn't bring myself to be happy for my sister. The thought of her getting engaged, and therefor getting married before me brought out this intense, visceral reaction.
Completely irrational? Yes. Immature? You betcha! Could I control it? Not so much.
I forgot about things for a little while, but then when my sister actually got engaged in mid-March, all the feelings returned. Yes, I was able to put on a happy face, and tell her I was so excited for her (which I was) and accept her invitation to be her Maid of Honor, but inside my heart was breaking. I don't know why but it really made me feel like a failure. I selfishly concluded that her being engaged first would somehow reflect poorly on me. I don't know where the feelings came from, but once they reared their ugly head, it was increasingly difficult to quiet them down.
Of course, I am not delusional. I know I was being extremely petty and jealous. Not to mention self centered. It became consuming, I was having trouble concentrating on other things. I would break down in tears. I knew it couldn't continue. I had to find a way to make sense of these feelings and move beyond my jealousy and immaturity.
I ended up having a talk with my sister about things. I wanted to let her know that I was very happy for her and supported her, but that this was also very hard for me in some ways. She was very understanding, which I appreciated.
Over the next couple of months, I kept my composure. The sadness remained, but thankfully started to diminish. I was able to have some constructive conversations with G. about our own engagement timeline. And although I am still waiting, I was able to come to terms with it a bit more in the months that followed. I focused on quietly allowing myself to daydream and pre-plan, and convinced myself that it would all work out for the best.
I am getting to benefit in some ways - I'm going to tastings and meetings with my sister, so I'm learning a lot about how things are done. I'm able to keep a mental list of the caterers and dj's and photographers she likes so that when I am doing my planning, I can use this knowledge to help me.
Yes, I am going to have to wait longer because of this - I'll have to allow enough time after her wedding, before mine - but I am feeling much more zen about it than I was. Learning of my sister's engagement brought out something really ugly in me, and I am certainly not proud of it. I am glad I recognized how crazy I was being and tried to change it. I certainly don't want to look back on this exciting time for my family and think that I wasted it by being so upset over something so silly.
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